Confession #31 - The scariest day of my life

It was.  Terrifying.
I sat quietly in the car. No one could tell.
My heart sank, my mind raced.  I was undone.  I realized somehow that all the stuff I had been doing to be pleasing to God was failing.  I was failing at being good enough. And I knew.

I knew at that point.  Just riding in the car.  If we wrecked, if I died, I would go to hell.
I know that may sound a little overdramatic.  But it was my true experience.  I felt the weight of my failures, I knew that though I had convinced everyone else around me, I was dead in my spirit.

So from gripping fear, my emotions went to desperation.  I suddenly didn't care whether people thought I was a nice girl or not.  All I cared about at that moment was that I needed to be at peace with God.  My sin, my choices, my imperfections....all crashed around me and I wanted freedom.

I had lived the "church girl" life, I knew what the Bible said.  I realized that I had gone thought the motions but never surrendered my heart.  Desperate for relief from the weight of conviction.  Desperate for relief from the pretending I was good...it was exhausting to "be good" with my limited human capacity.

So I did what I had heard preachers talk about.
I cried out to Christ.  I prayed, "Save me from my sins.  Forgive me.  Take my fake "good girl" life and make me real."

He did.
The most terrifying day of my life. I feel the feelings even as I share them here with you right now.  But with the huge difference.... I feel the peace.  I feel the love my Jesus my has for me.  I live with the reality of my continued sinfulness - my "junk" if you will.  But within the reality of my junk is the reality of my freedom and His forgiveness. If you've stayed with me throughout the month of confessions, you know I am far from perfect. But instead of trying harder or pretending, I now get to live in gratitude that Christ doesn't hold that against me.

I was reading a friend's blog and she referenced this video.  It is a little urban so the country may not relate to it as much.  But if you can handle it, I think you will find it some good stuff.

Love,
Carra

Confession #30 - Things I want to do by Thanksgiving

Well this is what Better Homes and Gardens suggests as a Thanksgiving Countdown.  I love what a comedian said once.  You know Better Homes and Gardens?  Yeah, than means better than your home, better than your garden!

Well, in the spirit of admitting things, I do read Southern Living.  I asked for a subscription about three years ago for the express purpose of developing myself as a homemaker, hostess and decorator.  This is definitely a place I feel a weakness.  When Pete and I first married, I was somewhat intimidated by my in-laws.  They put tablecloths on tables for weekday lunch, fussed for an hour trying to get the centerpieces just right for a birthday dinner, and added little pieces of parsley to the plates just for the beauty of it.

For a while I just rejected it.  I had the attitude - tastes good, good conversation, isn't that enough?  Well, the truth is --- I rejected all the "frou-frou" because I was not good at it.  I didn't want to try because I feared I would not succeed. But after some honest conversations, honest look at my attitudes, and God teaching me.... I am slowly learning how to do some of this stuff ...and that it has value.

So armed with about 50 sheets torn out of three years of Southern Living magazines, a binder of ideas, notes, budgets, etc. I am getting ready (thank you CB for your Christmas notebook idea that I adjusted for Thanksgiving/Christmas!).

So what do I (the confessing natural mommy) plan for Thanksgiving?  Here are some of my countdown items:

• Cook a local, grass-fed turkey that I put a deposit on at my local farmer's market.
• Paint our den with the Mythic non-toxic paint so it is a brighter place to spend time.
• Cook and freeze sweet potato pies, yeast rolls, muffins and waffles for breakfasts (using natural sugars and organic flour - some of it I will be milling myself)
• Make a batch of homemade turkey sausage based loosely on Heavenly Homemakers recipe (less hot stuff, more sage in mine)
• Scrub the bathtubs with Shaklee Scour Off.  This stuff is awesome, but trust me - the stains are long-standing and will take some serious time and elbow grease. 
• Switch all the kid's bedrooms around.  I know that sounds nuts, but it will be a better fit for us long term and a good thing to have in place before we have guests.
• Make a decorative wall of family photographs...on the cheap.
• Decorate the whole house.  Seriously.  bathrooms, dining room, kitchen, living room, front porch.  Not going to do bedrooms per se, but I know my crafty kids and there will definitely be decor in the bedrooms.

I'm thinking of doing a short series on my Thanksgiving list progress.  I only have 24 days.  Tomorrow I'll be sharing about the scariest day of my life! Boo!

Love, Carra

Confession # 29 - Blog about nothing

I set a goal.  To blog everyday for the entire month of October.  I've already made it 28 days.  Today has been strange.  So this blog is just about a little random nothingness.  This week has been tough.  Last night Pete and I talked a while before bed.  We talked about our week and about doing something fun as a family. 

Then, we went upstairs.  It was cold.  The hvac for the upper floor (we live in a split level) was not working. We pulled out space heaters for the kids and added extra blankets for us. I woke up this morning with a cold nose LOL!

Pete spent the day trying to check connections, reading the stuck-together-due-to-moisture-becasue-it-was-left-in-the-crawl-space... manual.  The heat/cooling units are like 20 years old.  We can't get parts because appliance stores are only open weekdays.  So Monday - heat the other half of the house- we hope and pray. At this point, we're still hoping Pete can fix it.

But yay! - the downstairs is warm. So, tonight the girls will be camping out in the den.  Zade and Pete and I will use our two space heaters.

So I confess, I have nothing much to say.  Pete worked all day on the heat.  I tried to clean and get things moved around so he could work.  Right now, I have strawberry muffins in the oven and spaghetti on the stove.  I am so grateful that God provided a house with two heating units. I'm looking forward to some chill and rest (maybe even an episode of Amazing Race online.  I hope your (and my) tomorrow is a wonderful restful Sunday.

Love, Carra

Confession #28 - Marital Conflict, Part 2

I appreciate your feedback on the "thing" in my dining room.  I do believe that I received more advice about my marriage than about the "thing."  However I did get some good ideas about it (and marriage).

It's funny - I did just get my dream kitchen pretty much 100% as a result of the efforts of my husband. So yes, I should be fine releasing this "thing" - and in a manner of speaking I am.  not really because of the kitchen, but because of my role as Pete's wife.  Years and years ago I was privileged to me mentored by an awesome godly mom of three (two girls and a boy, imagine that! - but her's was girl, boy, girl).  CL took precious time to spend with me and give me guidance on the nuances of being a wife.

Many pieces of her wisdom have stuck with me over the years but one in particular stands out...  She reminded me that the purpose of the homemaker was to make the home a place of peace.  When her husband came home from a long day of giving of himself in ministry, she did her best to have the house fairly tidy and some sort of food in progress.  It was all for the goal of providing a place (and being a person) that is at peace.  A peaceful home is a beautiful gift.

I strive to create a peaceful home.  So many of you reminding me to not allow a two foot tall metal object to create a division between us... you guys were spot on.  As I thought about it...Pete doesn't think it's beautiful. It doesn't add to his peace.  So I'm removing it.

The cool news is...his idea (inspired by hearing all of your ideas) is to keep it for my craft items...in the room our friends and family stay in when they visit...where I keep my special chair...where Pete rarely goes. Yay, solved!  Thanks for your help!

Love, Carra