This pregnancy was totally different from the one this past spring. I was sick - big time. It felt just like the first trimester of Gracie and Faith. I would go about life & work, vomit, fall asleep, get up and eat some protein and do it all over again. I thanked God every time I threw up. I felt that it was a "sign" that the pregnancy was holding fast. I believed that the first one was an anomaly. I learned and grew in my trust in God's goodness through that experience. But deep in my heart, I never really expected that it would happen again. I hoped in nausea, I hoped in my "one-time" loss. I hoped (and prayed) God would bless us with a healthy baby. But my spirit was not surrendered. Like the old hymn, I needed to surrender all.
On Wednesday, January 13 - I began spotting. The moment I discovered the first spots, I was terrified. Gratefully Pete was near. I clung to him and said, "I don't want to do this anymore." He knew "this" meant the whole thing- I didn't want to lose this baby, I didn't want to try again, I didn't want my heart to break this time or ever again.
By Thursday the miscarriage was really setting in. The cramps were difficult but I spent a lot more time on my feet. I think the movement and gravity helped it progress easier. I would just slip up to the bathroom for a little while - take care of things and go back to light housework.
While I was praying/journaling, I wrote "because God is sovereign, I don't have to fear." I trust God's sovereignty. I am not the creator or sustainer of life. I want more children - I feel called to have more children. Does that mean I am guaranteed to have more children? No. May I live with an ache for a desire that may never be fulfilled? Maybe. I open my hand. I may become pregnant again. I may miscarry again. Praise be the name of the Lord.
My husband wrote an email to our friends. Here's a portion:
This miscarriage has already opened several doors to some very unexpected opportunities to share God’s love and help other wounded hearts. We know and are confident in God’s ability to work redemptively in and through this situation. The path leading through the shadow of death is not easy or, more ideally, avoided because of our faith; instead, we are able to take each step without the fear of evil… I know many others could write or speak about this more eloquently. So I’ll leave it there and let the Lord use this to encourage you that He loves you, we love you and even though life is painful sometimes, God is always good. One day we will see the fullness of the glory that this unborn child will bring the Lord! Until then, we walk by faith and trust and we praise God for friends and family like you that can share in our sorrow and joy.
We named this baby as well. We call her Peace. Within minutes of the onset of my spotting, I had about 10 people praying for me. More began praying as we shared the situation throughout the day. I knew I was losing my baby, but after the first moments of fear, I was completely covered by a sense of peace. It was physically and emotionally hard, but I did experience the peace that passes all understanding. Surrender = peace. My hope is in Christ.
A sweet friend told me of a song by Watermark called Glory Baby. The lyrics and a link to a youtube video can be found here. It is biblically solid and painfully articulate in a good, cleansing kind of way.