Monday, October 31, 2011

Confession #31 - The scariest day of my life

It was.  Terrifying.
I sat quietly in the car. No one could tell.
My heart sank, my mind raced.  I was undone.  I realized somehow that all the stuff I had been doing to be pleasing to God was failing.  I was failing at being good enough. And I knew.

I knew at that point.  Just riding in the car.  If we wrecked, if I died, I would go to hell.
I know that may sound a little overdramatic.  But it was my true experience.  I felt the weight of my failures, I knew that though I had convinced everyone else around me, I was dead in my spirit.

So from gripping fear, my emotions went to desperation.  I suddenly didn't care whether people thought I was a nice girl or not.  All I cared about at that moment was that I needed to be at peace with God.  My sin, my choices, my imperfections....all crashed around me and I wanted freedom.

I had lived the "church girl" life, I knew what the Bible said.  I realized that I had gone thought the motions but never surrendered my heart.  Desperate for relief from the weight of conviction.  Desperate for relief from the pretending I was was exhausting to "be good" with my limited human capacity.

So I did what I had heard preachers talk about.
I cried out to Christ.  I prayed, "Save me from my sins.  Forgive me.  Take my fake "good girl" life and make me real."

He did.
The most terrifying day of my life. I feel the feelings even as I share them here with you right now.  But with the huge difference.... I feel the peace.  I feel the love my Jesus my has for me.  I live with the reality of my continued sinfulness - my "junk" if you will.  But within the reality of my junk is the reality of my freedom and His forgiveness. If you've stayed with me throughout the month of confessions, you know I am far from perfect. But instead of trying harder or pretending, I now get to live in gratitude that Christ doesn't hold that against me.

I was reading a friend's blog and she referenced this video.  It is a little urban so the country may not relate to it as much.  But if you can handle it, I think you will find it some good stuff.


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